If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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