3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
