Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
