I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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