i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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