Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
