I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
