R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
