census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize