plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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