tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
