Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
