I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
