does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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