i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
