I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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