I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize