Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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