hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
