I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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