you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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