Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
