and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
