Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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