How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
