If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
