Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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