2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
