so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
