now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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