they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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