i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
