Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Found your dick twin last night
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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