I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
