I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
