how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Randomize
