You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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