dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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