Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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