Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
