If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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