she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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