Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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