Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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