I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
