I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
