i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
