why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
