it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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