dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Floor bacon is actually really good
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
