we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
