You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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