Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
