i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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