I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
