i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
