ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
